For the past weeks, there have been talks of singer Douglas Mayanja alias Weasel Manizo battering his Baby Mama – Sandra Teta.
However, whereas social media in-laws have condemned Weasel and said all sorts of things as to why the victim cannot report the matter to police and have the skinny singer arrested, psychologists suggest that actually, some women deliberately marry men who will mistreat them.
To date, Teta has not reported any matters of domestic violence to police, in as much as there are reports that her friend (name withheld) has reported the matter before the Criminal Investigations Directorate in Kibuli.
Sources, however, suggest that the case could be complicated to pursue because Teta is not complaining and seems comfortable with the beating.
One Rose confessed in a story first published in the New Vision in 2007 that she was thinking of divorcing her hubby.
“I think I am going to divorce my husband. How can he beat me when my own parents never beat me? Who does he think he is?” she told a psychologist identified as Oscar Bamuhigire.
According to Rose, it was not just about the beating but that her man was sleeping around with all sorts of women.
“First of all, the man is now a drunkard and sleeps around with all kinds of women from waitresses to tea girls! How can he make me look so cheap?” ranted the woman.
Bamuhigire says that this was not the first time Rose was swearing to dump her abusive husband.
“The very first time she had come spitting fire, I took her seriously. But, for some reason, she always kept her man, even if she spoke evil of him. Even as she gave her ultimatums this time, I knew it was mere talk,” Bamuhigire says.
Despite the evil talk, she had decided to keep her man.
Psychologists say there are women who deliberately marry men who will mistreat them. They subconsciously find such relationships appealing and that is part of the reason why they do not leave.
Just like Rose, Teta must be in that category. Rose had her own flourishing businesses and a mansion. She was far capable of surviving without her man. But, she could not leave him!
Dr M Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Travelled, explains that such women endure their husband’s mistreatment and even seek it out, for the very pleasure of talking about it. For such women, the most important thing in their lives is to have a sense of moral superiority and that in order to maintain this sense they need to be mistreated. By allowing herself to be treated basely, she can feel superior, writes Dr Scott.
Psychologists say there are women who deliberately marry men who will mistreat them
“Ultimately she can even have the sadistic pleasure of her husband’s begging and pleading to return and momentarily acknowledge her superiority from his humbled position, while she decides whether or not to magnanimously take him back,” Bamuhigire says.
And in this moment she achieves her revenge, Bamuhigire says and adds that “When such women are examined, it is generally found that they were particularly humiliated as children.”
“As a result they seek revenge through their sense of moral superiority, which requires repeated humiliation and mistreatment.”
Such people look on their submission to mistreatment as love, but Dr Scott explains, it is in fact a necessity in their never ceasing search for revenge and is basically motivated by hatred.
Strangely men who beat women tend to love women who enjoy such abuse!
Former Member of Parliament, Monica Amoding, and then Advocacy and Media Officer, at the Centre for Domestic Violence Prevention (CEDOVIP) says most women stay in abusive relationships because of lack of self-sustainability.
Some have made their husbands everything and they cannot leave because they do not have the economic ability to exist on their own, she says.
“Society also frowns at women who are not in marriages and this may force some of them to persist in abusive marriages,” Amoding says.
Psychologists say there are women who deliberately marry men who will mistreat them.
Dr Charles L. Whitefield, in his book Healing The Child Within, says helping such women to recover requires some form of therapy. He recommends group therapy if the person was born in a dysfunctional family or was a victim of abuse.
Whitefield also points out that therapy is more effective when integrated with a full recovery programme, whose approach provides for a holistic physical, mental, emotional and spiritual recovery.
